


The way it should have been

by defective_error



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Anxiety, M/M, Paradox Space (Homestuck), Sunsets
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-29
Updated: 2020-06-30
Packaged: 2021-03-03 23:14:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,586
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24983662
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/defective_error/pseuds/defective_error
Summary: Dirk Strider often thinks about the world where he is happy together with Jake English. However, for this version of him, those will always remain as dreams only, leaving him in his sad reality.
Relationships: Jake English/Dirk Strider
Comments: 3
Kudos: 10





	1. Bitter reality

**Author's Note:**

> It's my first Homestuck fic and also English isn't my first language, but I hope it's still decent.

A boy is sitting on the roof, all alone, surrounded by nothing but the dying world.  
He tends to come here whenever he feels a very sudden urge to be away from the (bitter) reality.  
'Why?' he'd often ask himself quietly, hiding from everything and everyone.

He was always trying to be the strong, cool guy in shades who, despite his several emotional problems, could take care of himself and handle all the stuff life throws at him, preferring his katanas, puppets and solitude rather than socializing. He was always trying, but in reality it was never the case.  
Because the truth is, Dirk Strider secretly wants people in his life. He wants them to see him as a human being who, just as everyone, needs affection. He doesn't want them to think he's a loner and most importantly, he doesn't want them to think he's overbearing. Actually, he doesn't even want himself to think that. But he can't, he doesn't know how. He can't escape and he has no idea how to express any of that.

'Why?' he'd ask himself repeatedly, eyes filling with tears and pain piercing through his heart like a deadly blade tearing him apart.  
That's all he is able to say. He has no ability to say anything else, he can't put it into words. On the outside, he's a cool-minded, intelligent guy. However, on the inside he's a mess, a burning mess. If someone opened his head and peeked inside, they would close it two seconds later astonished, terrified even. Especially if it was someone close to him, not being able to believe that what they have just seen belonged to Dirk.  
Especially if it was Jake.

Jake is his best friend, his bro, and most importantly, his ex-boyfriend he can't get over. Dirk had had a crush on him for years, those feelings were (and, in fact, still are) strong and rooted very deeply like a giant tree in the middle of a mysterious forest. They were so powerful that the day he got asked out, he began doing something he should never have done.  
He started being honest and expressing himself, hoping to be understood.  
It was so foolish of him.

Dirk is well aware of the way he is. He knows that he is worse than an infant, needing constant attention, love and resurrance. He knows how overbearing and annoying that is. Hell, he hates himself for that. Disgusts. Loathes.  
And yet, he hoped that despite being tired of himself, despite wanting to be someone else, wanting to become something more, something better, despite all of that - he still hoped that at least he would understand him.  
How foolish.

In the end, Dirk broke up with Jake, seeing how tired he was of him, perhaps even hating him. He saw that coming, therefore he decided to "be the bigger man" and end things himself, stop that endless circle of pain. He didn't want that, of course not. But he knew it was for the better. He knew it was the better, healthier choice. And most importantly, he wanted to give Jake the freedom Strider could never receive from himself.

English was relieved. He didn't know how to address this and had absolutely no intention to hurt Dirk any further. 'It's okay, I understand' the boy in shades would respond. Indeed, he understood, better than anyone else. But it wasn't okay. Because in spite of wanting everything the best for him, in spite of wanting to make him happy, his selfish desire would keep whispering to him about how sad it was that even the person he loved the most in the world couldn't stand him and in the end felt better leaving, presumably not even trying to see things the way Strider did.

Secretly devastated, he would often daydream about the paradox space, about all the universes. Because who knows, maybe there is a happy ending for them somewhere out there? Maybe there is one Dirk and one Jake who were able to come to terms, communicate, even resolve their problems and most importantly end up happy together? What if they somehow ended up sitting on the exact same roof talking about themselves and their relationship. Jake wouldn't even want to hear about breaking up. 'We're in this together!' he would say standing up and reaching his hand to him. Dirk would take it and smile for the first time in a very long time, feeling hopeful, finally knowing how to put the pieces of his heart together in order to reach coveted happiness.  
From that day onwards, it would become their habit to come here every evening and just talk about everything, stare at the stars and fall asleep in each others' arms. Yes, that would be wonderful. Dirk would be so happy. And not just him, but Jake too. And their friends as well, silently cheering for them from afar. Their days would be filled with the warmth of the light shining upon them with blessing.  
It would be like his greatest desire coming true.

Being loved. Understood. Being free from this hell called anxiety and constant fear of everyone hating him. Not having to worry about waking up one day, all alone, with not a single ray of hope left, being left behind in darkness. How he wishes he could have that.

Because of that, Dirk would start asking himself even more questions.  
'Why can't I be this guy?'  
'Why can't I be fixed?'  
'Why can't I be happy?'  
Sadly, there is not a single person being able to answer them for him. So in the end, he would get back at his shit and begin to dream again which would eventually lead him to overthinking and waking up in his obnoxious reality, unable to escape.

'If you live in there somewhere then I hope you know you're one lucky guy and I hate you.'  
Of course that isn't true. He is absolutely jealous and would do everything to trade places with him.  
Unfortunately, that's most likely impossible. No, this version of him was probably never destined to be happy. All he can do is dwell on that and keep sitting here, defeated, helpless and with no hope left whatsoever.

But nobody needs to know any of that.


	2. Somewhere far away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Somewhere in another universe Dirk Strider got another chance from life itself to pave the way towards his happiness with Jake English.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've decided to try and depicture the aforementioned alternative universe the way I imagined how Jake should have treated Dirk.

Somewhere far, far away, perhaps in another universe, there is a boy in cool shades. He is currently sitting on a roof, staring at the bloody sunset, just like every other evening. This time, however, he's all by himself, not even a single soul being around in his dying world. It's fine though. It really is. He knows his boyfriend loves him (right?) and won't grow tired of him (right?), so there is nothing to be concerned about.  
And yet he must admit that it is difficult. Well, it's not like all of your issues are gonna vanish instantly just because you have spoken about them. Sadly, he can't help feeling like a burden, he can't help but be scared that everything he has achieved, everything they have created together, is gonna fade away like a morning fog the moment he wakes up in the morning. Because of that he tends to stay awake for long hours at night, refusing to fall asleep thus losing his current reality. He cherishes his beloved one wholeheartedly and he would really like to believe in him more, he hates himself for being the way he is, which doesn't help his healing process at all, making it more complicated than it already is.  
It's alright though. Because Jake English understands and doesn't cease to support him.  
And despite all of his worries, despite his anxiety, his problems, Dirk Strider can finally say that (if he is allowed to) he is able to see a small ray of hope, coming out of his dim, mysterious forest of tangled feelings slowly towards the better, coveted life where his boyfriend is awaiting him with arms wide open.

The beginning of it all was probably the toughest. In fact, first few months were an actual nightmare, making both of the boys miserable. For Jake it was something very new and definitely unforeseen - Dirk, always pretending to be the cool, collected yet enigmatic person, caught him off guard when he commenced to express all of his deep hidden desires and most importantly, his complicated emotional problems. Jake was not only astounded by seeing that side of him, but also being also a pretty self centered person back then, didn't know how to act, seeking guidance and comfort in his loyal friends and considering breaking up with his lover, not even knowing how dear he was to him.  
Dirk, however, being aware of how overbearing he was, started slowly letting go of his newfound hope, closing himself in again from the whole world, fleeing from facing the issue and rather jumping into conclusions. Ultimately, he would cease to communicate with anyone at all, thinking it is for the best, intending to cut himself off from everyone completely.  
After a few weeks he was finally prepared to put an end to this once and for all, ready to come to terms with Jake and stop being the burden he always was. Surprisingly, things took a way different course.  


TT: Why do you want to meet up all of a sudden?  
GT: Dont be ridiculous we both know its time to talk about things  
TT: What things?  
GT: Stop acting surprised! Just wait there for me  


Dirk couldn't tell how he felt about that. Relieved that at long last they're gonna come together and end things the most sensible way? Or maybe terrified because deep down he actually didn't want that?  
Yes, most likely the latter. Concluding that eventually, Dirk wanted to run away from the whole case even more or skip to the next day at least, when it's all over. He might have been a hefty person, but he was just a human being after all, with human feelings. Also, he secretly wanted to be understood, he secretly wanted someone to listen to him, perhaps nodding their head thoughtfully and maybe even try to look for a solution with him. How he wished that was possible. And how he wished that this person happened to be no other than Jake himself. But that definitely couldn't happen (right?).

In the end they did meet up after all, but instead of having to listen to Jake clumsily explain how he actually dislikes the side of Strider he had to put up with during the past few months, he began with an apology.  
'Huh?' that caught Dirk off guard completely. Why would English apologize? He was the one to blame, with all of his dumb emotional problems, being overbearing and tiring and horrible and lashing his feelings out.  
'Yes, that's true. But that's exactly why I should apologize' Jake responded, his face being serious as ever. The boy didn't understand, therefore his lover began clarifying his point of view patiently.  
He talked about how Jane and Roxy helped him with the whole issue.  
'They scolded me for thinking too much about myself. I didn't get it at first but ultimately I came to conclusion that they were, in fact, right.'  
English then proceeded to explain how he, as Dirk's boyfriend, should have been his emotional support, how both of them ought have to do that and not turn back on each other. He finished like an hour later, breathless (Dirk really likes that about him though, his constant speeches and comments about everything surrounding them, even the little things. He can listen to them for long hours).  
Once again he didn't know what to say. He had never considered that this could be the case, having been convinced that he should deal with himself on his own (if that was even possible, that is).  
The boys would continue talking about all of their problems, unanimously agreeing that they should give their relationship another chance.  
'We're in this together!' Jake, getting a sudden burst of energy, stood up and reached his hand to Dirk. For a brief moment the boy would just sit in there, staring at English admiringly, his heart racing. Finally, he took it and smiled gently. It was his first smile in a very long time.

Their days have changed completely, the future has become less hazy. They, and especially Dirk, were finally able to see a small dot of light in the darkness, letting it twinkle and grow, thus making everything brighter.  
Dirk and Jake would start communicating better which solved many of their problems and saved a lot of unnecessary nerves, giving more time for express their mutual affection instead. Things weren't simple, of course not, but this time both of them were well-aware of that and most importantly, they were prepared.  
That roof would become their essential spot, a place where they would come together every evening and hang out, just the two of them, talking about everything and nothing, staring at the sky. Jake soon began to love everything about it, the stunning view, the warmth of Jake's body always close to him, his small adventures (as he liked to call them) to get here, even the yearning feeling in the morning when he had to leave. 

This time, sitting on the roof alone Dirk couldn't help but go back to their conversation they shared one particularly melancholic evening. 'You know, there is one thought that makes me sad.' saying that, he looked at Jake to catch his reaction, not wanting to make him too worried.  
'What is it?' the boy replied with slight concern, trying not to overreact. He's cute, Strider thought to himself, but his facial expression stayed cool as always.  
'I'm so happy right now, happy as ever. I've never believed that it would be possible for me, for us, and yet here we are. Having said that, I feel bad for all the other Dirks out there who wish they could be in my place' he expressed composedly, however, not being able to hold back for long from smiling mockingly, ruining his usual image. English smacked him delicately and then pulled closer, chuckling.  
'Aw come on! Don't be such a pessimist! You have to stay positive, right ?' he tried to sound crudely yet softly to counter the hidden taunt, showing his support at the same time.  
'Yes. You're right.' he agreed and didn't add anything else, leaving them in complete silence. It's was fine though. Because they didn't mind it at all, sitting there in each other's arms, watching the sunset together once again.  
'Jake?' Dirk said several hours later when it was already dark, head lying on his boyfriend's lap.  
'Yeah?' he replied tenderly while stroking Strider's hair and staring at him with affection.  
'I love you. Thank you so much for believing in me.' were his last words before falling asleep, finally being able to confidently admit that he isn't alone anymore. He can also admit that at long last, he can be and he is happy.

This may (or may not) be the only Dirk Strider in the whole paradox universe who can say that about himself, who has reached everything he has ever desired while the rest is sitting on the very same roof drowning in their solitude, wondering why they can't be him. That must be a very hapless and painful view. However, even one happy Dirk is better that none at all, right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading another piece of my work, I hope it was as good as the previous one and I dearly hope you enjoyed it! ^^

**Author's Note:**

> I tried to focus on Dirk's emotions rather than on the relationship itself. Anyways, thank you for reading my work and I hope you enjoyed it! ^^


End file.
